I feel like giving up. Things I use to enjoy...doesn't matter anymore. I am tired of everything.

It seems no matter how hard I work or how much I contribute to my boss. He dismesses all my efforts and call me a loser. I feel like I work hard for nothing. I worked in -17 farenheit weather. I also worked as assistant instructor to teach the basics in fencing for the new students. I don't know what the point is anymore. No recognition, no acknowledement. I am physically and mentally exhausted. I just feel giving up on everything.

The format was first to win 5 points. NO ROUNDS OR STOPPAGE, just continous fencing until someone lands 5 hits according to the judges. Double elemination. There was a decent amount of people competing. I didn't win. I had fun. I am in the orange.

Going into a Longsword Tournament on May 27. I haven't done a lot of Longsword training. My skills and tactics are lacking when it comes to longsword. Been working all month. Haven't had a chance to train properly. If it was rapier, I'd stand a chance. Gotta go highly caffeinated and fight paranoid. Wish me the best.

I started smoking at 18. Stopped smoking at 29-30 ish. Started smoking again on May 16, 2023. Friend of mine felt guilty for introducing it to me recently. Wants to start a pact to quit smoking together. I use to draw and smoke, drink and smoke, think and smoke. Smoking helped with my anxiety. It felt it helped with my depression. My anger. My stress. Work is upsetting for me. Just a lot of tiring physical activity. Lifting, moving, cutting. I work, I sleep. Rinse and repeat. I just feel old. I just feel tired. I feel lost without my ciggarrets. That zesty taste after the first draft. Like a freakin idiot, I decided to quit along with my pal. Its more to help him out than me. If I could go back...I dunno. I promise that I could finish this 1 pack and never come back. My friend doesn't believe me. Threw the pack in the trash. Guess I'll drink more.